Here's Why You're Sabotaging Your Love Life
It's not you... okay, maybe it is a little bit.
Listen: Dating sucks from time to time. No matter how stupidly simple romcoms make it seem, or how easy your friend with the fantastic meet-cute says it is-- it sucks! Consider- navigating all those app interfaces, awkward first dates, lack-luster banter, figuring out when to switch from 'oh we're just seeing each other', 'it's super casual' to 'meet my boyfriend, discovering their antagonistic quips... add in the quarantine and people's political opinions. We might as well forget it!
Despite all the environmental influences that make dating in 2020 a new Black Mirror episode, we're forgetting the biggest factor: Ourselves! We're not going on about our dating bio or how to text back after a long period of time. We're talking about the nitty gritty, often invisible details that are holding us back from putting ourselves back on the dating scene.
Even if you are doing all the right stuff, there may be some subconscious behaviors you're exhibiting, curbing your chances in the dating arena.
Consider these theories!
You're scared about making the first move
Making the first move is hard, plain and simple. According to relationship psychologist and author Emily J. Brooks, the anxiety and aversion of making the first move is in part, evolutionary and there's no reason to fear it.
The tiny small voice in your ear, telling you that 'men are hunters, and women should be hunted?' - you know the typical storyline we all grew up from watching due to Disney films and cheesy rom coms? Yeah, that's thing. With this in the back of our mind, there's a simmering hesitance/anxiety within us, which consequently prevents our ability to make the first move. In truth, we're already are. The more we throw out a 'hey how are you' or slide into a DM, the easier it becomes.
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You're still waiting for the right time
Babe, it's NEVER the right time.
There's no shame if you don't want to be in a relationship right now- focusing on you is the best thing you can do. However, in a world of pandemics, social upheavals and constantly growing careers, the idea that everything will align in you life first, will in fact, leave you stalling. Truth is, you just have to bite the bullet, take the plunge and just go for it. Live in the moment. You can acknowledge it's not perfect timing, but you have the ability to make time and space in your life if you need to, and that the person on the other side is likely in the same position as you!
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Still going through that checklist
Look, it's okay to have high standards. Checklists are a different matter. They can be broad- "love cooking, a scorpio with green eyes, agree with my love for seafood". We all have a list in mind on who we want to date. In reality, these checklists can actually prevent you from finding the one right for you.
Our checklists are in fact, "built on the social and cultural environment of the time we grew up in, in short- a less progressive society than the one we live now", according to Brooks.
Secondly, checklists are usually unrealistic. We try so hard to find a partner who fulfils our checklist when in fact, the person who we actually want are completely different people. Trying to dictate who we will end up with is not only counterproductive, but results us missing out on some great people!
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The 'Pity Face' holding you back
Okay- the 'woe is me, I'm single and I hate it' or the 'Don't worry, you'll find someone' phrases you hear from annoying relatives and acquaintances. They grate your nerves because they take a dig at the single lifestyle. Yeah, that's the 'Pity Face'. You hear them so much that you're beginning to believe them. Babe, here's where we tell you that these people can shove it!
Societal views towards unmarried, single woman are forever changing. Change with it and move forward.
The problem isn't that you're single, it's how you are made to feel about your singledom and there is NOTHING wrong with it!
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You're getting discouraged too easily
Babe, you're not the only woman who's been on a string of bad dates or been ghosted at least four times. It's so tempting to enter that mindset of 'hey, maybe I should just adopt a cat' (look I love cats too! Guilty as charged!).
True, a little wallowing never hurt anyone, it's when it evolves into a singular mindset than you're in trouble. If you're gun-shy, you're cutting your chances of dating in half automatically. Our advice? Accept that dating is messy, that it's uncomfortable but can accept the experiences for what they are and more than up for the task of trying again.
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Downplaying your talents to find the right guy
Girl... never, NEVER short change your talents or your personality for a guy, especially when you're dating someone casually. Emily J. Brooks refers it as 'the Dateability Penalty- where men avoid dating women if her status and success exceeds his". While this is something women have grappled for decades, today is steadily becoming a different story.
There are great guys out there (according to Brooks), that "are now willingly partnering with women more successful than themselves... which is good news". However, this still doesn't stop us from subconsciously putting ourselves and our successes down in front of guys to make us appear more attractive.
The solution? Don't shrink yourself down. Own your ambition, and success. It's the sexiest thing you can do!
